i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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