Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
