Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I want her autograph on my taint
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
