I wish I could punch you in the face.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
