I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
