I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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