a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
