I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
