The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
