Sry I called you an 8
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
