In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
