Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
