first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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