Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Its about making memories worth repressing
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
