hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
