My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
