Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
