Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
