As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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