I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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