those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
