Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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