The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
