I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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