he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
