i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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