Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
