a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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