yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
