My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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