Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
