I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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