I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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