M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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