just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
