you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
