we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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