I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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