After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
