you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
