Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
