i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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