I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
