His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
