Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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