i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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