No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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