Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
