Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
