Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
